Folks, it’s that time of the year again. The leaves are turning red, white women are freebasing pumpkin spice and Spirit Halloween is reminding you that Amazon has eliminated a ton of old department store chains.
In short, it’s spooky season. And while many of you may be excited to dress up as a seductive plumber or a sexy frog or whatever, I am a bit more somber. I must once again resume my quest to spread the truth about Halloween.
I know what you’re wondering. “What on earth is this handsome, well-informed young man talking about? What does he mean ‘the truth about Halloween’?” What I mean is simple: Halloween is the biggest scam to sweep the Western world since the Catholic Church. Historians claim Halloween has its roots in a vigil following the celebration of All Hallows’ Day, but think about it. The history makes no sense.
I don’t see the jump from celebrating all the Christian saints to dressing up as Batman and getting hammered. There must be some other force at work, one more conniving and sneaky. That force? Candy companies. Man has always been trying to find sweet, tasty ways to poison themselves. The candy companies exist to scratch that itch.
Their drug of choice? Sugar. Sugar is everything man could ever want to slowly, deliciously doom themselves. In ancient Rome, sugar was considered medicinal. And here’s where the dots begin to connect.
The Roman god Mars–the god of war–was also an agricultural guardian. My theory is this. To ensure his side hustle was a success, Mars made sugar even more addictive to mortals, so that over the years, they would begin to try and find a way to put it in everything.
Speaking of candy, Mars also is the name of one of the biggest candy companies in the US. Coincidence? I think not. Mars makes Snickers, a brand that famously touts that “You’re not you when you’re hungry.”
Maybe because an ancient Roman war god has been slowly conditioning all of humanity by putting his dreadful sweetness in everything. Couple that with the occult magic of American Milton Hershey, who I believe sacrificed an entire boat full of people to build his chocolate empire.
What does this have to do with Halloween? Well, over the years, the intrusive federal government of the United States has been on a crusade to take away the precious junk foods we hold so dear.It’s clear that the candy companies hold tremendous, terrible power.