Horoscopes

Argus Staff

Aries, March 21st – April 19th:

Give your girlfriend and dog more smooches. If you don’t have either, well. . .tough. 

 

Taurus, April 20th – May 20th:

If half your friends don’t even know about the new guy in your life. . .maybe he isn’t the one.

 

Gemini, May 21st – June 20th:

Take the time this week to be generous. But don’t expect to be repaid in kind. That’s not what generosity is about. 

 

Cancer, June 21st – July 22nd:

Instead of memorizing when the squishmellows get restocked at Five Below, maybe memorize your assignment due dates. 

 

Leo, July 23rd – August 22nd:

“Self care” isn’t just doing a face mask. It’s also about deep self introspection and work. A wet napkin on your face doesn’t magically make all your problems go away.

 

Virgo, August 23rd – September 22nd:

A pet doesn’t solve all of your problems. Nor does eating comfort food. Face your problems head on or they’ll keep rearing their head.

 

Libra, September 23rd – October 22nd:

Don’t keep driving till you see the engine light turn on. Pull off when you see the rest stop. 

 

Scorpio, October 23rd – November 21st:

Yes, the dark circles under your eyes do add to your aesthetic but they subtract from your health. 

 

Sagittarius, November 22nd – December 21st:

If you know you’re about to do something that is going to upset you, maybe set up some precautions so you’re in a safe space while doing so instead of jumping in the deep end. 

 

Capricorn, December 22nd – January 19th:

Going into the colder season, try to take care of your health. Eat some more fruits, nuts, maybe a cream yogurt and take up dancing! Also, don’t answer that passive aggressive text from your mom, the ensuing argument would benefit no one. 

 

Aquarius, January 20th – February 18th:

If you make one more joke about it being fall and your grades “falling” with it, someone will personally drop kick you across Tucci Stadium.

 

Pisces, February 19th – March 20th:

Taking naps during your class doesn’t mean you’ll absorb the education through osmosis. Go to class.