Weekly Update on The Bachelor

Sarah Buchmann

Illustration: Sarah Buchmann

Welcome back to another dramatic week of The Bachelor. Here we’ll be discussing the ~tea~ and highlights from this week’s episode.

  • As a quick recap from last week, Sarah sent herself home after being bullied in the house and her anxieties of having a father with a terminal illness. Victoria, ever so classy, said “the trash took itself out.” Katie stepped in to defend Sarah, making the (obvious) point that since Sarah wasn’t there to defend herself, why even make degrading comments anymore?
  • Since the women in the house were already upset by Sarah taking up their time, the producers decided to bring in five new women without adding any new roses. Why not add more drama and toxicity to an already dramatic and toxic environment?
  • Victoria did not like being upstaged by another queen – especially one who earned the title in 2015 as Miss Puerto Rico – and snatched the crown off of newcomer Catalina’s head, trying it on herself and placing it on the table instead of giving it back to Catalina. What a royal b*tch.
  • Anna continued to entertain viewers with her ridiculous facial expressions. Grumpy Cat can move over. 
  • The first group date consisted of a boat race with gigantic carved out pumpkins. Magi and her pumpkin boat ended up getting stuck in the water weeds and unable to move. No producer or intern came to her rescue. Rumor has it, she’s still out there trying to paddle back to shore and win Matt’s heart.
  • As other contestants struggled to find their matching acorn while dressed in squirrel onesies, Anna sabotaged Brittany by hiding her acorn. Mari was the first to find hers, and everyone watched shell shocked as Mari ran to claim Matt and a “Golden Nut” trophy as her prize.
  • Matt and Michelle’s chemistry was off the charts – she’s my pick for him, if I’m being honest. They put the hot in “hot air balloon” and must have made the pilot of the balloon really uncomfortable as they made out in the ridiculously tiny basket.
  • Another boxing date. When all star boxing champion Mia St. John was announced to be the celebrity guest, everyone pretended to know who she was and clapped. Nothing against St. John, but if I was a contestant on this date, I would have had no clue who she was and looked really dumb. (Aside from the fact that I can’t box.)
  • Lo and behold, putting these high strung, competitive women in a boxing ring together actually led to several of the women getting injured. Perhaps physical fighting isn’t the best way to settle disputes, but it certainly got their anger out. Matt, surprising all of us by how shocked he was at this, called off the rest of the event. 
  • Anna accused newcomer Brittany of being an escort for older gentlemen. As if this is a bad thing. Even though this rumor wasn’t true, Brittany would have nothing to be ashamed about. Anna is no longer one of my favorites, and is clearly more problematic than I had originally thought.
  • In the last few minutes of the episode, Katie pulled Matt aside to let him know about the drama. Out of all the women, I wouldn’t have thought the girl who introduced herself with a vibrator would be the most mature adult in the house, but I am loving it.
  • In true Bachelor fashion, they cut off the conversation before we could see the real outcome. Until next week!
https://twitter.com/emmaclarehall/status/1353899878037004288
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Ever want to hear my thoughts before Fridays? Join me Tuesday nights from 7-9pm on WESN 88.1 for Bachelor talk, new indie music, and more.

Illustration: Sarah Buchmann